Mary Gives Birth to Son of Jesus

Heaven and Earth celebrate second Immaculate Conception

After thousands of years, a second Mary has miraculously given birth to a son via immaculate conception. Jesus of the Holy Trinity has claimed responsibility for the miracle.

The actress Mary Elizabeth Winstead gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Laurie, Son of Jesus, over the weekend. According to family and friends, Winstead had been visited by Jesus during the pandemic. The pair hit it off immediately, and after prolonged discussions with her dad and His Father, Jesus was given the go ahead to magically sire a Savior of His Own.

The birth was announced by Winstead’s brother and proud new uncle on social media. “Welcome to the world, little nephew,” wrote 25-year-old Chris Winstead on a photo of him holding the miracle baby. “Congrats to my sister & Jesus of Nazareth — this is the greatest gift since Him.”

The Creator of All Living Things also made an announcement throughout the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Met my grandson thanks to an Angel cosplaying as a burning bush this morning, but I gotta say, you still do great work, Holy Spirit. That baby is a beaut! Welcome to the family, little Laurie!”

The birth is but the latest triumph by Jesus, who managed to get His Father to forgive George Lucas for the prequel trilogy earlier this year. There’s no telling what’s next for the new dad.

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